Throughout her life, she was always questioning either the quality of friends or the function of her friends in her life.
Alana was always told by her mother that she treated her friends better than they treated her. She even relied on them more, because her family did not even remember that she existed. And so, it seems the same now applied to her friends. That’s Alana’s subjective thinking.
In her objective mind, she remembers the chat she had with a sister prophet. As she was practically a baby, spiritually; she counseled “a prophet’s life is lonely, trial filled and very difficult”.
Yes that certainly summed up Alana’s life.
When she was younger every friend she had, who got close, suddenly migrated to lands across some ocean. As if God was punishing her for spending more time with them, than with Him. Her two closest childhood friends, high school friends, church friends, work friends…she found herself continually, perpetually, alone. Alana ultimately gave up on making any close friends.
She deduced that herein lies the root of why she gave so much to the person she became romantically involved in. But here she was, at another juncture in her life, where she was fighting to keep her soul from being muddied; and not a friend in sight. Alana guessed that is how things were in life and so, she did what now came naturally, she turned to God; and perhaps that is what he intended. For his rebellious little student in training, to only have him to turn to and do so.
Sometimes, she thinks back to when she was 12 and when her life path was altered. And she wondered would she have made the same decision? Or was it that she was destined to make that decision?
Her answer may lie in death, but for her sake, she prayed that the answer comes far sooner than that; somewhere in the second decade of her journey.
Therefore, Alana acknowledges that her desire to have true, genuine, and ever-present friends, was an unfulfilled fleshly desire. Relationships required constant work; she hopes that she can keep her ‘souly’ armada intact, without human social reliance and reassurance.
….Stay tuned for more…
Copyright © 2014, Denise N. Fyffe
Facing the challenges of a life filled with hurt, depression and suicidal tendencies; the journey towards transformation